Three-quarters of the year 2023 has just gone by, and it has been a memorable year thus far. In April, I became a grandfather for the first time. And in June, Wendy and I celebrated our 35th wedding anniversary. And by the time you read this article, I would have completed one year as the chairperson of the Local Church Executive Committee (LCEC), a calling I received with some anxiety. Without a doubt, this will be my most blessed year—all thanks be to God. The Lord has rekindled my marriage, and blessed my wife and I with two sons, two daughters-in-law and now a grandson. And I survived the LCEC chairmanship, although that is still a work in progress.
As I reflect on my life journey, I realised it could have taken a completely different route, a disastrous one, if I had not realised my flaws, repented and changed direction in 2011. Back in 2010, my family was in disarray and my marriage was at rock bottom. All that changed when I decided to attend DISCIPLE 1 the following year; it started to turn my family and life around.
When Wendy and I were married at Wesley Methodist Church in 1988, we chose the verse from John 15:12, ‘Love each other as I have loved you’. This is a command from our Lord, Jesus Christ. On the cover of our wedding bulletin, we inscribed this pledge: “Let us love one another, for love comes from God”.
We are now in the midst of the church sermon series on 1 Corinthians, and the passage given to me for this sharing is 1 Corinthians 13. Coincidentally, or rather by God’s providence, this was the same passage that Wendy and I chose as the Scripture reading for our wedding.
1 Corinthians 13:4–7 provides a good description of the love that God desires in each of us. “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
If this is what love ought to be, then I have failed miserably in showing love – as a child of God, as a husband, a father and a brother in Christ. At least until recent years.
The fruit of the spirit, as recorded in Galatians 5:22–23, is “love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.”
Of these nine attributes, I lacked forbearance (patience) and self-control. I wasn’t the most patient, accentuated by a career in journalism where daily deadlines were a norm. I was also easily angered, especially when things didn’t go my way. And I used to be prideful. Discipleship courses such as DISCIPLE and, later, Companions in Christ, transformed me from the inside out. But I am still a work in progress.
So what does love look like in God’s family? Let me answer this question through my relationships with four groups of family members in my life – not as a model for you to emulate, but mistakes for you to avoid.
1. Relationship with God
The Apostle John said twice in 1 John that God is Love (1 John 4:8; 4:16). Our God is a relational God who desires all to share in His love: “if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us (1 John 4:12).
In my earlier years as a Christian, before 2011, I treated God like an SOS centre. I prayed to God only when I was facing some problems or issues in life. I told God, “Please don’t call me, Lord, I will call you when I need you.” This changed in 2011 when I started surrendering more and more to God, including supporting my elder son’s decision to be a missionary in northern Thailand in 2014, and retiring from the corporate world in 2018 to focus on church and charity. I learned to “let go and let God!”
It helped that until recently, I was handling the reflection roster for the church’s Bible Reading Drive. As the Roster Boy, I had to proofread all the daily reflections, not once but three times before approving these submissions for posting or publication. I was truly blessed by the reflections and by God’s Word.
Wendy and I now pray to God every day, in our own quiet time and during mealtime. And we will go on a silent retreat every year.
2. Relationship with my beloved wife
As mentioned earlier, when Wendy and I were married 35 years ago, we chose the verse from John 15:12 – Love each other as I have loved you. Frankly, I didn’t get the full meaning of the verse at that time. Wendy and I used to be like chalk and cheese. We were brought up very differently. For example, Wendy was from a small family, just her, one sister and parents; I came from a big family – five boys and five girls besides my parents. She was more people-oriented whereas I was more task-oriented. After marriage, we brought our individual values to the new home. It was a recipe for disaster. I think it was our love for our two sons that kept us together. But truth be told, sin was always knocking on our door then.
I often prayed to God to change Wendy. No use! God didn’t change her; instead God changed me to accept her as she is. Wendy said she did the same too. But God changed her to accept me as I am. I guess we met somewhere in the middle. Thanks be to God!
The turning point came in 2012 when both of us decided to attend discipleship courses together as a couple. DISCIPLE 4 in 2012, then DISCIPLE 3 in 2015 and DISCIPLE 2 in 2018, and also three years of Companions in Christ spiritual formation course from 2016 to 2018 – two years as co-facilitators. We now have a common set of values – God’s values. As we move closer to God through the study and practice of His Word, we moved closer to one another.
Now 35 years later, I understand better what John 15:12 means. Wendy and I finally found and experience the source of love – God. Both of us individually experienced God’s love, and in turn, we began to love one another. We love one another as God has loved us! Today, we are known in our circles of companions as the A&W couple.
3. Relationship with my two sons
In my two sons’ growing up years, I always lamented to them, “Your weaknesses as sons are my failings as a father.” It wasn’t until 2011 when I finally learned to let go, and let God—I surrendered them to God. My elder son, Daryl, went to the Missions field in Thailand for four years, while my younger son, Keefe, went to Sydney for five years to study veterinary science while awaiting a heart surgery to replace a faulty heart valve. Wendy and I could only keep them in prayer while nursing an empty nest at home. But God watched over them, and us, during those trying years. From two sons, I now have two more lovely and godly daughters-in-law, Gina and Charlotte, and now a grandson, Micah.
Looking back, I wished I had taken Deuteronomy 6:5–9 more seriously.
“5 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. 6 These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. 7 Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. 8 Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. 9 Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.”
If I could replay my sons’ growing-up years, I would have spent more time with them. I was too fixated on working hard in the office to give them a better future, whereas what they needed then was my presence as a father.
I thank God that though I was unfaithful, He was faithful. My friends used to congratulate me for being a good father who brought up two lovely sons. I told them my two sons have a great father— not this earthly father but our heavenly Father.
4. Relationship with my spiritual family
During Journey to the Cross 2023, a self-guided spiritual exercise during Holy Week that retraced Jesus’ final days on earth, we learned about spiritual families. In Matthew 12:46–50, “While Jesus was still talking to the crowd, his mother and brothers stood outside, wanting to speak to him. Someone told Jesus, ‘Your mother and brothers are standing outside, wanting to speak to you.’ Jesus replied to him,’ Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?’ Pointing to his disciples, Jesus said, ’Here are my mother and my brothers. For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother.’”
Yes, we are all brothers and sisters in Christ. We are one big spiritual family at Wesley Methodist Church!
In John 13:34–35, Jesus gave His disciples this command: “Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”
Besides this command, there are many other verses in the Bible containing similar “one another” instructions, for example, “be devoted to one another in love” (Romans 12:10); “clothe yourselves with humility toward one another” (1 Peter 5:5); “be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you (Ephesians 4:32); “encourage one another daily” (Hebrews 3:13) and many more.
“Such love does not begin in the human heart. It flows only from God himself, and he wants to fill you so that you are certain of his care for you in every detail of life. He will provide everything you need when you need it. That security in God’s love is what will free you to live a one anothering life,” wrote Wayne and Clay Jacobsen in Authentic Relationships, which we studied as a church in 2018.
Conclusion
A friend of mine used to lament, “There are no permanent friendships, only common interests.” I think he was right. Often, the sustainability of our relationships depends on common interests or common goals. As long as two parties’ interests align with one another, the relationship will flourish. But once the interests differ or drift apart, that’s usually the end of the relationship. That’s why it’s wise to centre the commonality of our relationship on One who is eternal, Jesus Christ. It will lead to friendships that will last into eternity.
As LCEC chair, it is my prayer that we will put Romans 12:9–13 into action: “Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honour one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervour, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.”
And as for my family, out of gratitude and reverence to God for what He has done over the past 35 years, I can gladly say, as Joshua did in Joshua 24:15, “But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD.”
All glory to God!
Read also: A Beatitude-Centred Family; Never A Fractured Family in God’s Kingdom
