When I first became a father in November 1989, I remember feeling anxious as to how equipped I was for the role. Although I instinctively knew that I wanted to be a God-centred dad to my children, I just felt unsure if I was up to the task.
It is interesting that the education system put me through four years of engineering school to prepare me for my first job as a civil and structural engineer, but there is no school for Christian fathering although raising children in the ways of the Lord is inherently so much more difficult. It was like being thrown into the deep end of the pool and being expected to swim! As both my children were born in the pre-Internet era, I was unable to access all the great online Christian parenting resources we have today to help me out of every new situation that I faced as a father. It was literally learning on the job. And so, stumble along I did! All I can do here is share the lessons I have learnt through my many mistakes. Thankfully, my children survived my bumbling efforts at being a Christian father and know God’s grace in their lives, despite my many errors. This is by the sheer grace of God!
With the wisdom of God-given hindsight, the important lessons I have painfully learnt can perhaps be summed up in three main areas:
1. Love Your Wife
The Apostle Paul exhorts husbands to “love your wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Eph 5:25, ESV). This is the highest standard of sacrificial love demanded of husbands–that is to love our wives with the SAME love that Christ, the Creator of the universe, showed by willingly suffering excruciating pain and giving up His life for our sakes.
There is a story of a wife who had painstakingly prepared dinner for some important guests she wanted to impress. When it was time to serve dessert, she discovered to her horror that it had been left too long in the oven and was burnt. When the husband wondered why his wife was taking so long in the kitchen, he excused himself and found his wife sobbing in the kitchen over the burnt dessert. He immediately proceeded to inform the guests that as his wife had made his favourite dessert, he would like to seek their indulgence to let him eat all of it. He then ushered his wife back into the dining room and returned to the kitchen to slowly eat the burnt dessert. While this act may not be close to sacrificing his life for his wife, this story nonetheless stuck with me as a practical example of how I could show sacrificial love to my wife.
Those of you who have been married long enough would know that marriage is hard work. Having two persons from different backgrounds live together and vowing to love each other till death do they part is not for the faint-hearted. When marriages are falling apart in ever increasing numbers, Christ is the only proven glue that can keep a Christian man and woman in love with each other despite their own selfishness and pride that constantly seek to tear them apart.
“In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself” (Eph 5:28, ESV).
I learnt early on as a father that one of the greatest gifts I can give my children is to love my wife and show that to my children. Loving your spouse has a great effect on your children and their happiness. A 2014 wide-ranging survey of 40,000 households in the UK revealed that children who see their parents sharing a loving relationship felt more secure and were happier. Another 2007 research by ‘The Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry’ revealed that inter-parental conflict was an indicator of aggressive behaviour by the children, poorer academic performance and self-blame for their parents’ marital woes. As such, a 2019 TIME magazine article stated that one of the best things you can do for your children is to really love your wife! Loving parents are a model of not just what a Christian marriage looks like, but also how God wants us to love and treat each other.
But loving each other through thick and thin is only possible with the power of the Holy Spirit and the miraculous love of God working in each of our lives.
2. Being Chief Servant
Many men think that the God-given title of being head of the family is the easiest and best role. After all, who doesn’t want to be the boss? But for Christian men, whose goal is to nurture a family centred on Christ, you will soon realise that the head of the family, according to God’s design, has the heaviest burden. You are basically responsible for everything that happens to the family–whether physical, emotional or spiritual. If you remember the example of Eli in 1 Samuel 3, God held Eli responsible for not restraining his sons who did wicked things. This is scary but teaches me to fear God!
As the head of the family, you are to be the role model for your children. Just as Jesus taught and prepared His disciples through His servant leadership, one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is to live out godly values and pray that they will watch and do likewise when they grow up. If you want your children to respect and be kind to others, then you first need to model that, showing respect and kindness not just to those in superior positions but especially to those who serve you, whether it is to the waiter or void-deck cleaner. Likewise, if you want your children to be independent and clean up after themselves, you have to show it. So, whether it is clearing and washing the dishes after a meal, vacuuming the floor or washing the toilet, that’s part of your job description. Your job designation: Chief Servant!
I can’t say I do this job very well though, and there were times I wondered if any of this made an impression on my children. Last year, however, I had the chance to observe my son who has since married and moved out. I saw him show love to his wife by doing all the housework and laundry when his wife was unwell. At that moment, my heart stirred and God told me that everything I had done was not in vain. Deep in my heart, I thanked and praised God!
3. Love Your Family By Loving God First
One of the ways my wife and I are able to serve in church together is to volunteer as facilitators for our church’s Marriage Preparation Class (MPC). Actually, we have been more blessed by the interactions with the young couples than our sacrifice of time. It keeps us young at heart and reminds us to uphold Christian marriage principles. One of the lessons we share with the couples is that a Christian marriage is a sacred covenant with God and not a contract, which some secular marriages perceive it to be. And the best visual example of this is to liken it to a triangle with the man and woman at the bottom opposite corners and God at the apex of the triangle.
As the Christian husband and the Christian wife draws nearer to God, they are inevitably drawn closer to each other. In other words, the importance of personal discipleship cannot be overemphasised if we desire a God-centred family. We all know that the success of a Christian marriage is solely dependent on God, but God also requires us to take responsibility through growing in our relationship with Him so that He can transform us. And as the spiritual head of the family, my priority as a husband and father is to be serious about my personal discipleship first, and then also seek ways where my wife and I can draw closer to God together.
Just as in airline safety videos where you are required to put on your oxygen mask first before attending to your child, attending to your personal discipleship first is paramount if you really want to help your family. Instituting family devotions alone without first taking your discipleship seriously may not have the desired effect. God has given children the gift of seeing through people and thus we need to get right ourselves with God first if we want Him to impact our family. In John 15:4–11, Jesus calls us to remain in Him, as He is the one who produces life and brings the fruit of the Spirit to be formed in us. Courageous leadership must stem from daily striving to remain in Jesus, the source of all good things!
The Apostle Paul has this to share with all husbands and families, “But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.” (1 Cor 11:3, ESV)
So as a man and a father, I need to submit to Christ first and foremost, in order to fully realise my role in accordance with God’s design.
I realise we all lead such busy lives and there is often not enough time to complete even the essential activities of each day. Something my wife and I learnt was to make the most of our schedules and establish daily habits. So, as we drive to work each morning, one of us would pray for our day and for our children. We also commit our family to God in our bedtime prayers and express our gratitude to God for taking care of us that day. Perhaps, some of you would have better examples to share. But if you are struggling to get started, hopefully you can start with something small but repeatable. The important thing is to get started, and pray for God to use this to bring you closer to Him and to keep your family close to God.
Children Who Go Astray
What if despite our best efforts and prayers, our children still decide not to attend church or lose their faith? These are tough and difficult situations that have no easy answers.
I only know that we need to PRAY unceasingly. You must believe that God hears our prayers for each member of our family to be God-centred. That is His will. But the devil “prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour” (1 Peter 5:8). So, I try to pray as often as I can, for God’s divine protection over each member of my family by name, and that He will keep them safe from evil and that each of them will stay close to Him always. We also openly send our prayers for our children through the family’s WhatsApp chat, whenever we know they are going through a rough patch. We then trust that God will take care of them and remind our children that He loves them more than we ever can.
When Our Children Leave The Nest
Our younger child left our home when he got married nearly 3 years ago and our older one is also planning to move out soon. I am now facing a different season of being a father. And like before, there is a sense of unpreparedness and some trepidation in trying to figure out how I can transition to be a God-centred father to my adult children.
When they were young, we knew what we had to do to take care of them. Ultimately, they knew their father was in control (or at least they acted like they knew!) as they had to run all their decisions through my wife and I. Now that they are working adults, they are free to make their own decisions as we are no longer as much a part of their daily lives. However, I still worry about some life decisions they make, and I wonder how, or even whether I should tell them what I think. A book I am reading, Doing life with your adult children has this good advice: “keep your mouth shut and the welcome mat out!”
So now, whenever I feel that certain decisions they make could lead to significant consequences, I will pray for wisdom and then tell them what I think as tactfully as I can. I try to present it as an additional viewpoint, and let them make the final decision themselves.
At the end of the day, I want my children to know that they will always be welcome in our home and that because we have entrusted them to God, we are cheering them on even if we may sometimes not fully agree with their decisions. I believe that the God I introduced them to when they were young will always be seeking after their hearts. And I will always be praying for them in the wings.
A Father For Life
The Bible teaches us to “train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” That is a promise I cling to as I watch my children spread their own wings as adults. There are many things that I wish I could have done better to be a godly father, but God has been merciful and took care of my family despite my mistakes. I am fully aware that my family is far from perfect and we have had many challenges over the years, but we have also tasted the goodness of the Lord.
The job of a father is for life no matter how old our children may be. May God have mercy on me and help me to be the father He wants me to be!
Read also: Mothers as Instruments of God; A Beatitude-Centred Family
