“Sigh, teenagers are tough.” ~ My parents.
I assure you; they are referring to other teenagers, not me and my siblings! Well, okay, not really.
Dear parents, it was just recently that you and your teen had a conflict over the ridiculous amount of time he/she spent playing Minecraft. Not too long ago, your biggest headache was how long it took he/she to get ready for church.
Nowadays, things are different. Your teenager is always out of the house, so you set an arbitrary curfew to retain some semblance of involvement in their lives. You ask questions about their week, so heartfelt and innocent to you, yet they elicit unprovoked eye rolls and stubborn silence.
How do you make sense of an enigma?
How do you parent a teen?
As someone graduating from her teens into their 20s, allow me to share some of my still-fresh insights. I do not claim to speak for all teenagers but believe that these tips are applicable to most interactions. In a classic Methodist move, I have conveniently labelled my tips with four Ls: Listen non-judgmentally, learn about your trauma, let God lead and love unconditionally. Let’s begin.
1. Listen Non-Judgmentally
Have you heard about bids for attention? They are verbal or non-verbal attempts to connect with someone. As teens, many of our ‘bids’ come in the form of sharing new insights, telling a funny anecdote, showing you a social media post or asking questions, all with the hope of having a meaningful interaction with you.
I’m sure many of you have intentionally or unintentionally made bids for attention and felt hurt when the other party failed to engage your bid. Similarly, many bids from us teens that are dismissed or go unnoticed leave us feeling ignored or unloved. Given that these opportunities may be few and far between at this age, remember to look out for such bids so that you can make the most of them.
One crucial way to respond to a bid is to listen without judgement. This could look like trying to be interested in the TikTok video your teenager is sharing even if it’s totally not your type of humour. It could also look like keeping your facial expressions neutral when your teenager talks about their struggles. You could consider holding back from providing advice until you have confirmed that it is welcome, lest you unintentionally invalidate their experiences. It could even look like apologising for hurting them, even if you feel you were right about the whole thing (and who am I to tell you you’re not?).
2. Learn about your trauma (and then unlearn it)
In addition to active listening, consistent personal growth as parents can be achieved through self-education. In Romans 7, Paul laments that what he wants to do, he does not do, but what he hates, he does. As parents, or people in general, there are things we say and do which are completely unintentional. However, there are ways to mitigate this. First, let’s acknowledge that much of who we are today is shaped by our upbringing, including the influence our own parents had on us.
Maybe your parents made you feel like your worth was in your grades, and you subconsciously project this onto your child by comparing them to their siblings who perform better academically. Perhaps your parents went to great lengths to ensure you looked presentable, and consequently you wish your teen didn’t have certain physical features. Consider even this: maybe your mental health struggles went invalidated as a child, so you treat your teen the same way, refusing to engage with their struggles in greater emotional depth because you never experienced that kind of love.
It is not your fault for going through adverse childhood experiences, but it is every teenager’s hope that our parents’ past hurts will not affect our relationship with them. I encourage you to take the long and perhaps painful, but worthwhile journey of healing from past hurts so that you can treat your child with a fullness of love.
3. Let God lead
Believe me, parents, we hear you, and we see you. You’re doing your absolute best while juggling your career, housework, bills, meals, exhaustion and so much more. Don’t forget though, that while you may not have a human personal assistant, we do have a personal guide and friend, the Holy Spirit.
Thousands of guidebooks can never fully prepare one for the complexities of parenting a teen, but the Holy Spirit can transform you into loving, selfless and strong parents through the renewing of your mind as you present yourself as a living sacrifice (Romans 12:1–2). As you serve self-sacrificially in this primary area of ministry, you can be certain that the Lord will bless your efforts and provide all you need.
Additionally, remember that God is the ultimate Parent. Regardless of how loving or difficult your own human parents were in your youth; we all have the perfect example of balancing comfort and discipline. As we rely on our Heavenly Father wholeheartedly and lean not on our own understanding, we can be assured that He will make our paths straight (Proverbs 3:5–6).
And lastly, let me (or rather, let Paul,) show you a more excellent way.
4. Love unconditionally
It’s difficult to wear many hats as a parent. A caregiver, teacher, mentor, friend, disciplinarian… the list goes on. Which hat do you prioritise? I believe 1 Corinthians 13 provides a clear guideline. Verse 3 states “If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.” The same can be applied to parenting: if you send your teens to tuition, cook delicious meals and secure them a good future, but do not love them, you gain nothing.
There are many other adults in church and the rest of society that can fulfil a teen’s academic, physical and spiritual needs, but the role of a loving parental figure has been bestowed upon you. Love should surpass all other priorities when interacting with your child, whether that be a loving hug or a controlled temper when disciplining them.
It takes a village to raise a child, but don’t let the fast-paced, modern-day life trick you into thinking that you need to be a village. Get support from other people but love your child unconditionally.
Dear parents, sometimes when we behave, for lack of a better phrase, like a teenager, it is tough to know what to do (sometimes we really are at the mercy of our hormones). Don’t take it wholesale from me though; if you have read to this point, you probably have a teen at home who is willing to share their own sentiments about their desired parenting. Ask them for their opinion, which will be much more valuable to you than mine!
At the end of the day, regardless of the way we act, we love you. Thank you for living out God’s calling to you as a parent! And in everything, we hope that you will choose love.
Love,
A teenager <3
Natania Leow
(Photos by Richmond Tan)
Read also: Challenges of Christian Parenting: Parenting Conversations at Wesley Methodist Church
