By Janet Koh
I was a 24/7 caregiver for my late mother for twelve and a half years.
I took care of my late mother, without a helper, from 2010 to the first quarter of 2023, since she suffered from a stroke and dementia. My mother passed away in March 2023.
Caregiving for an ageing parent or a family member with a disability can be long-term, complex, and challenging. And anyone can become a caregiver unexpectedly in life.
When my mother suffered a stroke in 2010, I decided to resign from my job as a secretary and care for her full time. Mum had specifically requested that she did not want a helper or to be placed in a nursing home and for me to care for her for two years. Although I have three siblings, they could not care for my mother. Back then, I knew nothing about caregiving. I responded to her request and told her I would take care of her.
In 2014, my mum’s condition deteriorated as dementia set in. Dementia is a brain failure condition that has no cure. Caring for her was stressful, trying, exacting and at times, exasperating. Caring for ageing parents requires continuous learning, and I knew I had to quickly equip myself with the necessary skills and knowledge about dementia care, just when I had just about gotten the hang of stroke care.
My mother’s second stroke came in 2017, which paralysed the right side of her body, and I had to use a hoist to care for her. Most days, it was stressful. Sometimes, it was frustrating, and I often cried out to God on my knees, pouring out to Him that the circumstances were too challenging for me. In those days, I could not go out to meet up with my friends, and I could not go to church as I was the only caregiver to my mother. But I knew my responsibilities and told the Lord I was willing to let Him use me to care for my mother, to the best of my ability.
Caring for my mother got more intense and exhausting towards the end. I often had to cling to God to sustain me. I often told the Lord I could not keep caring for Mum. God spoke to me through Matthew 11:28–30: “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.” This is the amazing grace and strength that God provided me. During those extenuating times, I remember thanking God: “God cares for me while I care for my mother.”
My encounter with God in my caregiving journey has given me three important lessons as a caregiver.
Caregiving gives me a glimpse into God’s heart
I was given the opportunity to care for and love my mum and, simultaneously, to build my relationship with her and God. The Lord gave me the right mindset to see and care for my late mother as a person He loved. He allowed me to always try to see her as the person behind the dementia and to remember there was a person with a past and present, someone with her own desires and needs.
I had to accept my mum’s failing mind and make the best of what she could still do and not what she had lost. The quote by Dr Allen Power inspired me to go on: ‘They may forget but never let them be forgotten’. God gave me the grace, wisdom and provision I needed each day to care for and love my mum by seeing the world from her perspective as she was experiencing a world different from that of the people around her. God had given me so much joy and peace to care for a wonderful mum while she was still with us and I could still look after her.
Caregiving allows me to work on my own heart
Initially, I had at times resented caring for my mum, especially when my siblings did not seem willing to sacrifice their time but expected me to give up mine. But my caregiver journey turned out to be one that allowed me to work on my own heart, issues and feelings. God taught me to focus on problem-solving when problems arise.
When my siblings were not able to support or help me, I sought hospital or community assistance. I did not waste my time or energy assigning blame as it would be meaningless and futile. Instead, through His lens, God showed me that caregiving was not just a task, but a journey with Him. He gave me peace, which surpassed all understanding, to care for my mum.
How to relate to others in a Christ-like manner
In my caregiving journey, I had also been blessed by the many angels God sent my way: people who had prayed with us, people who had shown much understanding and grace, doctors, nurses, therapists and teachers who cared for my mum and me—believers and non-believers alike.
I was comforted that my late mother was loved by many. I learned to see the positive in most circumstances, and I was able to express my appreciation to others often. As a 24/7 caregiver, I thank God for friends who packed food and came over to meet my mum and me for lunch. God had shown me that although my caregiving journey had been uncertain and difficult, I had never been alone. He had brought me back to His Word, which speaks truth and peace to my situation. God is always there for me, with me, in me.
A divine encounter
Caring for my late mother had transformed me in ways I could never have expected. God gave me the opportunity to change as I journeyed with Him and witnessed what He revealed to me when I cared for my mum during these long years. He gave me the strength to fulfil the caregiving role He had appointed for me.
As our parents age and experience the pain, suffering, confusions, and other physical and mental conditions that often accompany ageing, children are called to care for and support them.
However, retrospectively, my caregiving journey was beyond a caregiving task or case of filial piety. It was a faith-based journey, one in which I followed God’s commandments to honour my mother and one which I learned to lean on God when there is no one else to turn to.
For me, it was a deep and divine encounter with God.
Are you a caregiver to a family member who is ill, ageing or going through dementia? Caregivers, you need to care for yourselves too. Being a compassionate and patient caregiver to our ageing parents is a traditional Chinese filial piety and a deeply Christian task. However, caring for ageing parents can be a challenging daily responsibility that is demanding not just on our time and resources, but also demanding physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. If you are feeling burned out from caregiving and wish to talk to someone, please contact Wesley Counselling. If you want someone to visit your homebound ageing family members, please contact Wesley Pastoral Care.
Read also: ‘You are also precious in God’s sight’: Self-care for the Caregiver
